Holy Shit Jozy

One man's (over)reactions to the American goals during Wednesday's friendly between USA and Bosnia-Herzegovina.

I wrote on Sunday morning about three players that had a lot riding on the USA-Bosnia friendly, but who gives a shit about them?  Jozy Altidore stole the show with three goals and an assist in the 4-3 USA victory, and this is a brief recap of my thoughts while watching each successive goal.

55th minute - Eddie Johnson Goal (Jozy Assist)

"What a great run, what a great fucking pass! Oh man FINALLY.  Jozy had been threatening on a couple of occasions, but it took a truly brilliant pass from Michael Bradley to pop him loose up top and allow for the layoff to Eddie Johnson.  It was very disappointing to see Johnson be so easy with the ball leading to the first Bosnian goal, but I'm glad that he was rewarded with a goal for staying with the play.  Now let's see if we can get another and get this going!"


59th minute - Jozy Altidore Goal (Fabian Johnson assist)

"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHH JOZY.  That was an absolute  laser off of one quick touch, from a beautiful buildup run by Fabian Johnson.  One of the biggest criticisms I have heard of Jozy is that his second touch lets him down, but if he just commits himself to striking hard after his first touch then his dangerous potential just might start to shine through.  We have seen him launch rocket shots before, but I don't recall him getting that much pace on a ball while at a full run AND with a defender draped all over him.  The window he was shooting at was miniscule, and put the ball through it in a hurry.  WAY TO GO JOZY.  That was the sort of shot that strikers make on teams that make waves in the World Cup."


84th minute - Jozy Altidore Goal

"That took a deflection right?  That... did the keeper get a hand on it?  Was that John Anthony Brooks and I just had no idea he could take free kicks?  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

I don't want to overstate things here but... That was the greatest goal in the history of mankind.  Not because it was the most difficult, or the most timely, or even because it meant the most to the American cause.  It was the greatest goal in history because HOLY SHIT DID THAT REALLY JUST FUCKING HAPPEN?  I have never been more surprised while watching soccer, more totally caught off guard by what I just saw.  First of all, I don't think I've ever seen Jozy even attempt a free kick, and I was almost sure that he would send it straight at the keeper with pace.  He has the sort of leg to try to force the keeper to fumble the ball in front of the net, leaving an easy rebound for other onrushing Americans.  Or maybe he would leave it short for Bradley, who could loft it into the box.  Or maybe they'd just sub him off and pretend he was never standing there in the first place.

But instead Jozy just totally changed my perception of what he was capable of.  I never thought I would see him curl a ball so beautifully over the wall like that, and with such pace.  That was the thing that got me about this free kick: it was moving with such incredible speed.  No keeper in the world would have had a chance on that sucker.  Does this mean that Jozy should be our free kick taker from now on?  If he is able to serve up efforts like that, then I want him standing over the ball in Brazil in 2014."


86th minute - Jozy Altidore goal (Michael Bradley Assist)

"Just hand us the trophy now, Brazil 2014 is in the bag.  And Manchester City/United/Barca/Chelsea should all just put in their ridiculous bids for Jozy and Bradley now and save us all a winter of speculation.  40-45 goals for Jozy at Sunderland isn't out of the question.  Bradley must be the prohibitive favorite for Serie A player of the year.  Jurgen Klinsmann is some sort of tactical wizard.  I think I'm having a heart attack.  Jozy Altidore is going to seriously end up playing in Champions League games, and making a difference at the highest levels of football.  He might even carry Sunderland to the Champions league.  I think 65 league goals is a reasonable expectation."

"My chest hurts."